My Endless Tales

Heartaches are everywhere

2011-12-03T23:27:00.009+08:00

blind + mute = me

So, this is me. My current state. blind + mute = me

While everyone is experiencing the comfort of their day, I’m one of the unfortunate ones who’s been wearing a faint smile the whole day. Why? A matter of question that I choose to answer with a sigh.

Moving on, I wish I was at the banchetto. An event that would make history which I can be part of — but — for some weird reasons, I simply cannot. A tad hope of making my wishes come true via those colorful wishing lanterns being released into the sky.

Am I closing my doors? The moment I broke up with him, there are two things I didn’t do while in the process of healing. And these two things are something I don’t want to do because I find it stressful — that’s thinking & reflecting. There’s a lot of things to think about and I’m selfish like that. But now, I did try to think about the things that happened to me since the day I became single (yesterday. lol). With that, I realized 1 thing:

He is right.

I don’t wanna elaborate further. Indeed, experience teaches us everything. God will never let such things to happen if it’s all for nothing because it’s always served for something. Life is indeed a roller coaster ride and all that you can ask to the Almighty is strength and deep understanding when rough times come along.

“They say every road comes to an end, but sometimes the end feels just like the beginning. You can suddenly find yourself right back where you started, because every journey is fraught with twists and turns…and one false step could spell disaster. But no matter what, you still have to stay the course and forge your own path. Because there’s no going back now. And it looks like this one’s going to be the ride of our lives.”
-Gossip Girl ♥

The thing about falling in love all over again is the challenge behind it of making each new found relationship unique or somewhat different from the latter. Girls are very particular to their firsts — may it be a very important matter or right down petty. You wouldn’t want something to happen that you and your ex already did because it would rather be little less special. And knowing what he did to you is what he exactly did to his exes makes you feel far more plain as a partner. A person who he didn’t try to put extra effort in making each memory unique but instead duplicating it all over again. A memory that you can’t call yours because they’ve done that thing already. Indeed past is past. Something that should be looked at but shouldn’t be brought up. Something that shouldn’t be thought over because what matters is the present. But the thought of it breaks your heart — because what you knew that you can call your own wasn’t really yours to begin with. Because it was a shared memory of his past and not purely your own priceless memory to keep. Same place, same actions, same experience, same-same-same. The only difference is the person he shared it with. Because before it was her, and now it was you.

ILY every single day of forever..

2011-11-14T23:25:00.000+08:00

This is for the man who never fails to make me feel that I am the most deserving person to love and who does his very best to make me happy. Thank you so much and I love you every single day of our forever.

Happy being with you :)

Won't Last A Day Without Him

Won't Last A Day Without Him Slideshow: Milady’s trip to Davao, Mindanao, Philippines was created by TripAdvisor. See another Davao slideshow. Create your own stunning free slideshow from your travel photos.

What Love is

What Love is Slideshow: Milady’s trip to Davao city (near Davao), Mindanao, Philippines was created by TripAdvisor. See another Davao slideshow. Take your travel photos and make a slideshow for free.

note:

videos were created in TripAdvisor. Create your own stunning slideshow with our free photo slideshow maker.

Song by Matt Nathanson

Oo. Inaamin ko.

2011-11-05T23:10:00.000+08:00

Naisipan kong mag back-read sa Tumblr ng mabasa ko to,

"Aminin mo mahirap sabihin sa kanya na sa kanya ka na lang , lalo na kung alam mo na sa bawat pagbigkas mo ng mga salitang ‘yun ay nasasaktan ka na."

May biglang kurot akong naramdaman sa puso ko, hindi naman sa hinihingi kong mahalin niya ako o sana sa kanya nalang ako. Sa mga nagdaang araw, parati nalang kaming nag-aaway ng taong mahal ko. Aminado ako na may mga pagkukulang at maling nagawa ako, pero sa tingin ko, hindi ito sapat para makadama ako ng ganito. Alam kong sa isang relasyon, madalas nag-aaway ang mag-syota dahil may "third-party" o ibang babae ang isa sa kanila; hindi na nila mahal ang isa't isa; di na nagkakaintindihan; madaling mag-sawa ang lalaki/babae; o kundiman, nakikipag laro lang ang isa sa kanila, pwede ring pareho. Oo. Inaamin ko. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ang sakit na nadadama ko ngayon ay magkasing tulad na sakit ng taong nagsabi ng linyang yan (sa itaas).

Ang !@#$%^&* lang eh nu? (FYI, ngayon lang ako nagmura ulit. Ang sakit na kasi)

2011-06-20T17:24:00.001+08:00

Don’t be afraid to fall in love. It’s a scary idea, no doubt. Frightening, even - the idea of giving your all to someone who might not feel the same way. It’s scary to step outside your own comfort zone and reach out to someone that holds a special place in your heart. Rejection is terrifying, and ridicule is almost a given. But don’t be afraid to fall in love; its terrors are as plenty as its surprises. You’d be surprised that love is not always unrequited. You’d be surprised that making the first move is almost always worth it. Rejection serves as a teacher, allowing us to grow and learn from where we went wrong. Don’t be afraid to fall in love. It’s benefits outweigh its drawbacks. And only with love can we find the courage, strength, and endurance that we’ve slowly lost along the way.

Disclaimer: http://drewtrinnh.tumblr.com

Napapagod rin ako..

2011-05-18T21:06:00.000+08:00

Naranasan mo na bang maghirap para lang magkaroon ng isang bagay na pinakaaasam mo sa buhay? Yung tipong, hindi basta bastang bagay lang; Yung tipong kailangan mo talagang paghirapan at pagtiisan para lang makamit nang lumigaya at makontento ka. Eh yung karanasan na, nakuha mo ang gusto mong bagay ng hindi ka man lang pinagpawisan para makuha ito? Yung tipong, pawis ng iba; paghihirap ng iba---in short, effort ng iba kaya mo nakuha ang isang bagay na pinakaaasam mo. Kung ako ang inyong tatanungin, Oo ang maisasagot ko. Sa parehong aspeto, "Oo". Walang pagpapaliwanag akong maibibigay sa inyo, basta simpleng "Oo" ang sagot ko sa sarili kong tanong.

May pinaghirapan akong makuha, yun yung "RESPETO". Hindi ko naman sinasabing hindi ako nirerespeto ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin. Ang akin lang, yung tipo ng respeto na gusto ko. Yung respetohin ako 'di dahil sa mga magulang ko, 'di dahil sa estado na meron sila; 'di dahil sa may ama akong pulis at inay na grumaduate sa pagka titser; 'di dahil sa ibang tao kaya nagkarespeto sila sa akin. Yung sinasabi kong respeto ay---yung tipong, nirerespeto ako dahil babae ako, dahil may pangalan ako, dahil tao ako, dahil anak ako ng Panginoon, dahil sa marunong rumespeto ang mga taong nakapalibot sa akin. Yun yung tinutukoy ko. Ikaw, nirespeto ka na ba dahil sa mga rason na meron ako? Kasi ako, "Oo". Hindi ko naman sinasabing hindi sila marunong rumespeto na naaayon sa kagustohan ko. Demanding bang maituturing ako? Dahil "ganoong" klase na respeto ako gustong respetohin? Hindi naman siguro. Sino bang may gustong 'di respetohin? Diba, wala? Pareho lang tayo, magka-ibang lebel nga lang siguro.

Hindi ganun kadaling makipagsalamuha sa mga taong may matataas na estado sa buhay, sa mga taong ganito-ganyan, sa mga taong "high-end brands" kung ikokompara mo sa mga gamit etc. Hindi naman sa nakakasawang makipagkwentohan sa kanila, hindi ko rin naman sinasabing may mga tao akong parating nakakasalamuhang "high-end brands" yung tipong, HELL-O! HINDI ITO ANG GUSTO KONG MUNDO. DUH!! tragis. Kung akala mong "far out" na ang pinagsasabi ko dito ngayon sa mga na unang paragraphs, well, nagkakamali ka sa inaakala mo. Yung tipong, nirerespeto ka kasi may mga magulang kang ganito-ganyan, nirerespeto ka kasi pulis ang ama mo, nirerespeto ka kasi ganito ang posisyon ng mama mo, nirerespeto ka kasi ganito posisyon ng ama mo, nirerespeto ka kasi may mga bagay na meroon ka, nirerespeto ka kasi sa mga grupong meron ka, nirerespeto ka kasi napapaligiran ka ng mga kaibigang gaya nila, nirerespeto ka kasi may "pangalan" ka sa komunidad. Hindi ko naman sinasabing pangit ang pakitungo o ano, nakakapagtaka lang kasi. Papaano kung wala kang ganun? Papaano kung hindi ka ganun? Anong respeto ang makukuha mo? Anong respeto meron ka para sa kanila? Hindi ako nagrereklamo, sinasabi ko lang kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isipan ko ngayon, hingi ko rin naman sinasabing nakakabastos o kaplastikan o kung ano bang pwede maisip ng tao. Ang saya kaya nun, importante ka sa mga okasyon, ispesyal ka sa kanilang mga mata, mataas ang paningin sayo, kulang nalang sabihin kong tinitingala ka sa kung anong meron ka. Ang akin lang naman, no, ang tanong ko lang naman, HANGGANG KAILAN SILA MAGIGING GANYAN SAYO?

~Napapagod rin ako..

Papa Jack said...

2011-05-15T23:05:00.001+08:00

Papa Jack said: Minsan, hindi ka naman talaga naka-move on. Talagang nasasanay ka lang sa sakit na nararamdaman mo.

This. Lagi ko naririnig kay Papa Jack to kapag may nagtatanong sakanya kung pano maka move on. Sasabihin nya lang wala. Masanay ka nalang. Totoo naman kasi e. Akala natin nakakamove on na tayo yun pala nasasanay nalang tayo sa mga bagay bagay na nakikita natin. Na-immune na kung baga. Magugulat ka nalang na kapag love ang topic ay siya at siya parin ang naiisip mo pero hindi na masakit. Di gaya nung dati…

I regret the day I met you

2011-04-25T10:03:00.001+08:00

I made a BIG BIG mistake, I know. The intricacy of events puts me on the hot seat. If you judge me, you bet I cannot defend myself. My mistakes lay open for your eyes to see. I can only shut my mouth off.

I hate the thought of ever knowing you actually. I can't eat the way you socialize. Each time I see your face, all I could see is a fake smile under a fake face. Nonetheless, you can be correct in what you say about me. I said, I didn't care didn't I? But I lied. I really cared after all.

Your words still linger in my head like crazy. And the pain excruciate in me like hell. I wish I could cast the same curse. I swear I'll be casting all evil to you. For some reasons, my mouth cannot cast curses like most people do. Sorry, I can't fight a cursing fight.

Sometimes, I hate being a mid-righteous guy or trying to be righteous while living in this sin-cursed world. The thing is that you see them do things they want to do and your flesh longs for it too. Dang! I am fighting myself within myself - and sometimes, I lose. The hell with what brother christian says, if he's more righteous then let him be. Me? I can't lie about it. I can only say what I think is happening. Nevertheless, I need to choose to which way do I really fit in?

Oh, my mouth! What did I do with it? It's not consecrated anymore. Green jokes are bad jokes, like I can get away with it. Hey! I lie. I'm lazy. I cheat. I break rules. I bend rules. I walk not in the center of freedom but on its boundaries where I could easily get caught by darkness. Sometimes, I forget to pray. There are some days that I have no devotion. I am not a good friend neither am I a good lover. I always think I'm better off alone. I always think highly of myself - though I really am not. I hate myself more than anybody hates it. So who loves me? No one else but Jesus... yeah, and my parents too.

I am thankful I don't know what to do with strange girls. The Lord does not bid me so I don't. Great LORD, an't he? He saves and he protects. He will lay a cover on you so you will not do what he does not bid you to do. He teaches me the way of Christ Jesus only that I am not listening. But even so, Only He who I sometimes despise did not let go of me. Only HE, who sometimes I forget, really knows who I really am. Besides, those people? What do they know about me except the things that I let them see?

I long for no one else. I'll follow the son. That's the way that is set for man. Though, I am nothing but man, a sinful man. His Love? Endures forever...

Sorry, I do not love the way He loves. I only receive it. Selfish? you can bet I am but He's not!

PSEUDO RELATIONSHIP

2011-04-17T00:03:00.000+08:00

Yung tipong ginagawa nyo yung mga ginagawa ng magsyota pero hindi kayo. Yung tipong mukha kayong committed para sa isa’t isa pero hindi. Yung tinatawag ka nyang “Baby”, “Honey”, “Babe” at kung anu ano pa pero petnames lang at walang deep meaning? Oo. Yung sinasabi nyong MU o Mutual Understanding kasi mutual yung nararamdaman nyo para sa isa’t isa. Pseudo Relationship ang tawag dyan. Yung more than friends nga kayo, pero hindi naman kayo lovers. Malamang isa sa inyo nagtapat na ng nararamdaman o dalawa kayong nagtapat, pero hindi pa sapat yun. Yung walang pormal na panliligaw na nangyayari pero mukha kayong nagliligawan. Pinagdesisyonan nyo lang talagang maging magkasama o sweet sa isa’t isa. You both acted as if it was the real thing but in reality, it isn’t.

Madaming dahilan kung ba’t nangyayari ang ganito. Pwedeng kakagaling lang sa break up tas natatakot lang na i-commit yung sarili nya kasi ayaw na nyang masaktan at maiwan ng dahil lang sa paulit-ulit na dahilan. Minsan takot lang talaga nyang ipakita at i-invest yung totoong nararamdaman nya para sa tao. Minsan, pang-rebound lang. O minsan talaga, laro lang. Na akala mo may meaning na lahat ng sinasabi nya, pero naga-assume ka lang. Hindi mo naman pwedeng ituring na “SECOND BEST” ka kasi hindi naman kayo. Tulad ng sabi nila: “An almost but not quite relationship”

Kumbaga, para kayong naglalaro eh. Wag ka lang mag-assume o magpatalo kasi ang rule neto “Laro tayo. Mainlove, talo” Wag kang magpapauto sa laro ng mga emosyon. Wag mo muna masyadong asahan at magtiwala kasi sa huli, pag ikaw nga e nahulog, talo ka naman talaga. Kasi di mo rin alam ang takbo ng utak ng tao na yan. Malay mo, ayaw naman nya talaga. Eh nainlove ka nga, so ang gagawin nya, para mawala yang nararamdaman mo para sa kanya, iiwan ka rin nya sa ere. Wala naman akong sinasabing pigilan. Pero wag ka lang magexpect na yang pseudo relationship nyo, eh magiging realidad at maging kayo talaga.

Ano bang dapat na gawin pag nahulog ka na? Ano ba? Eh mas maganda yan kung parehas kayo ng nararamdaman ng ka-MU mo. Tapos. Edi happily ever after. Pero kung hindi yun ang nangyari, talo ka kasi nasira mo yung rules ng laro. Alam mo naman kasi na from the start, isa sa inyo maiinlove at ang isa hindi. Wala ka namang dapat sisihin kasi ikaw din mismo may gusto. Naghahanap ka ng lugar mo sa kanya, pero wala naman talaga. You’re asking for more, which is too much for your playmate.

So why would you choose to settle with this kind of relationship kung pwede ka namang makahanap nung taong alam mong kinalulugaran mo at alam mong mamahalin ka? Although sometimes the feelings are real pero you don’t know kung gusto nya o hindi. In a pseudo relationship, there’s no US. There’s YOU and ME and not US. Pati yung sakit na nararamdaman mo, Pseudo parin kasi mas masakit pa siya sa inakala mo. At ang mas masakit dun, ikaw lang yung nasaktan.

kewl Dude!

2011-04-16T23:16:00.006+08:00

I wanna share a story......... a story behind every guy on the list below:

James Oxemia
Anton
Benjamin Rioflorido Jr
Adrian
Nep
Kevin Cayamanda
Ricky Bayle
Warren Lumindas
Kenneth Sosmeña
Jayson Nuñez
James Amatong
Kuya ton-ton
Venecio Ballard
Jerome Martial Balaga
James
Toping
James Anthony Adolfo
Dave Pocholo
Roger
Niño
Ceasar
Gerald
Jeffrey (Jepoy)
Aaron Paul Payo
Jun Arellano
Aljon Troy Requizo
Ace
Aljon Teves
Danilo (Jun-Jun)
Keizer
Walfredo Doromal
Joe Langga
Lorna Encabo
Rachel Abe
Melody (Tinang)
Norman
Ryan Lubguban
Boyong
Pato
Mharc Bentazar
Jake
Erwin
.
.
.
.
.
.
John Ryan Seterra

Hey. Let's assume that the last number, as far as I could remember is #49 which is equal to YOU. So, here it goes based in what's on my mind: "What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out that he's a stranger."

Shivers

2011-04-12T11:10:00.002+08:00

Nang napuna ko na nag-aantay ako sa wala, na pag disisyonan ng barkada na umuwi nalang at mag pahinga. Sabay kami lumabas sa school, papuntang NCCC Mall ang exit namin. Nang naghiwahiwalay na kami ng mga distinasyon, dumeretso ako sa Groceryhan ng nasabing mall upang bumili ng Lays orginal flavor---paborito kong junkfood. Habang namimili ako kung anong pagkain ang kakainin ko, may nakita akong two petite cute elementary girls acting like a lady now sa may drinks section............ that made me laugh.. a lot.. when I keep on walking, i saw two good oldies, buying grocery items.. made me love them.. a lot.. And I wish for me to see myself doing things like that with my future husband even if we're already old. Still so sweet to each other and so in-love like no other.. that cannot be describe in words, cannot be act with a single action to define how in-love we are to each other.

you still do, do you?

2011-04-08T01:26:00.001+08:00

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So this is what I am feeling right now. If you happen to read a phrase that has been repeated twice, you're so kewl dude! I felt like, you're using me.. in some way..... in a way............ I can feel that it seems like, you still do remember her in me "IN SOME WAYS" again.

There's just one heart, where there once was two..

2011-04-01T00:06:00.001+08:00

Woke up today thinking of you

Another night that I made my way through

So many dreams still left in my mind

But they can never come true

I press rewind and remember when

I close my eyes and I'm with you again

But in the end I can still feel the pain, every time I hear your name

The sun won't shine since you went away

Seems like the rain's falling every day

There's just one heart, where there once was two

But that's the way it's gotta be,

'til I get over you

Walked through the park, in the evening air

I heard a voice and I thought you were there

I run away but I just can't escape

Memories of you everywhere

They say that time will dry the tears

But true love burns for a thousand years

Give my tomorrows for one yesterday

Just to know that I could have you here

When will this river of tears stop fallin'

Where can I run so I won't feel alone

Can't walk away when the pain keeps callin'

I've just gotta take it from here on my own

But it's so hard to let go

March 31, 2011 (4:10pm)

2011-03-31T23:44:00.004+08:00

I'm looking for a guy who doesn't know how to break my heart. And if he could, he wouldn't. Here comes the night, playing back conversations in my head, remembering moments, imagining what I should have said & done instead.. the worst kind of pain is when you're smiling just to stop the tears from falling.. wherein a fake smile can hide million tears. Then, here comes the feeling you'd thought you'd forgotten. Someday, you will look back and know exactly why it had to happen

Tips for dealing with jealousy

2011-03-28T17:41:00.001+08:00

One of the things that makes “jealousy” such a loaded word is that it’s really a concoction of various other emotions, the exact recipe for which depends on the individual. Jealousy is the fear or worry that someone with whom you have an emotional relationship may be experiencing an attraction toward another person... it generates a host of emotions, such as sadness and inadequacy, or rage and desire for retribution. The sadness comes from the fear of losing the object of your love, and the rage comes from a desire to have it back.

Fear, worry, sadness, inadequacy, rage — as stark as those emotions sound, you may be surprised to learn that a little jealousy is perfectly healthy (and even normal) in a relationship. No jealousy at all — or huge, seething buckets of it — are a good indication that something has gone amiss. So how do you know if you’re feeling the “right” amount of jealousy, and how do you express it without driving your significant other crazy? Here are some tips.

1. Be honest with yourself. A No Nonsense Guide to the Lies Men Tell in Relationships and Why, some men feel so secure in themselves and in the fidelity of their partners that they experience no jealous feelings whatsoever. Aside from these lucky guys, Major says, most men who refuse to admit to jealousy fall into one of two camps: either “they aren’t paying attention and have no clue that they should feel jealous,” or “they simply don’t care... this type of guy would be more than happy if someone (other than himself) would come and sweep a partner off of her feet and right out of his life.”

Clearly, it’s better to acknowledge (at least to yourself, and perhaps to trusted friends or relatives) the little bit of jealousy you do feel, rather than letting it fester for weeks or months only to explode at a melodramatic moment. Sometimes, just sitting down and writing in a journal will help you to objectively assess your feelings; and perusing a hastily scribbled entry.

2. Express your feelings appropriately. Sometimes, as with that grocery store fantasy, jealousy-provoking scenarios are best left unshared with your partner. If you do decide to unload, you should keep in mind that “expressing jealousy is a double-edged sword. It says ‘I care about you enough to be jealous,’ but it also says ‘I don’t trust you.’ I think it’s more important to talk about the experiences that lead to jealousy rather the jealousy itself.

Granted, very few people can discuss their jealous feelings so rationally and calmly. It’s rarely helpful to express full-fledged anger over an issue that has made you jealous. You can never control a person to determine who flirts with whom and what their respective responses are; just make sure you’re doing everything you should as a mate, because you’re the only one you can fully control in this equation.

3. If you’re not feeling it, don’t be afraid to fake it. Some, if not most, women are absolutely flattered when their partners get jealous. For women, a partner’s jealousy serves a multitude of purposes, not the least of which is letting them know they still ‘have it’ and somebody wants it. It also lets them know you’re paying attention and you care.

To points out, of course, that feigning jealousy (and expressing it) can have unforeseen consequences. Some women worry that if a guy isn’t jealous, he might not care enough about her. Early in the courtship, she might use jealousy to get the man to pay more attention. If he seems disinterested, she’ll go off and talk to someone else and becomes a more ‘valuable’ partner because other people are attracted to her. The trouble is that “if a woman is used to seeing jealousy as proof of attraction, she may worry when the jealousy disappears— leading to a vicious cycle of jealousy and jealousy-provoking behavior. What’s the lesson in all of this? Tread carefully when feeling or expressing jealousy, but a little bit can be a good thing!

The kind of man I am looking for..

2011-03-08T00:00:00.002+08:00

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question:"What kind of man are you looking for?"

"Do you really want to know?"She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking,

Reluctantly, he said, "Yes."

She began to expound:

"As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can't do for myself?

I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man.... or woman for that matter.

I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought & stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more."

"I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.

She said:

"I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation.. I don't need a simple-minded man.

I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked....believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden.

I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game playing are not my idea of a strong man.

I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.

I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him.

I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business.

I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.

And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spiell, she looked at him.

He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.

He said, "You are asking a lot."

She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

Butterfly flies away

2011-02-19T17:53:00.001+08:00

A butterfly hovers closely

And then quickly moves away,

Swiftly going where so ever

My heart may freely say.

Yesterday a butterfly
Came floating gently through the sky.
I soared up through the atmosphere
Then drifted close enough to hear.

If anyone desires a wish to come true they must
capture a butterfly and whisper that wish to it.

You can chase a butterfly all over the field and never catch it.
But if you sit quietly in the grass it will come and sit on your shoulder.

The Earth, The Sun, The Rain

2011-02-06T22:39:00.002+08:00

When I was lost, I could not see

All the beauty and wonder, wrapping around me.

I was alone, dreaming of you

Oh I could not imagine this dream coming true.

So much joy now, in all that I touch

You make me feel everything so much.

I will love you for the earth at my feet.

I will love you for the sun in the sky.

I will love you for the falling rain.

I will love you for the heart that could break.

I will love you for the dreams that we share.

Face in the wind, tears from my eyes

Baby, where have you been?

But I was, always, waiting for you.

To pull back the door.

To take me by the hand and lead me through.

This whole world was a stranger to me. (stranger to me)

Now you have opened my heart to everything.

Spoken

Like a whisper in a dream,

you walk softly into my life

with love and sweet emotion

and as I gaze into your eyes

I see the beauty that God has created.

And I love you girl,

Now and Forever...

The Ways How You Make Me Love You More. (Part III)

2011-02-04T01:40:00.000+08:00

because that’s just the way it is.

even if it’s actually the other way around.

you appreciate my effort, and because of that I want to do more things.

because no cockroach or thunder can ever scare you when you’re with me

The Ways How You Make Me Love You More. (Part II)

2011-01-28T00:35:00.000+08:00

because you never care about what everyone thinks, as long as we’re having fun and we’re not doing anything wrong.

because whenever I say I’m fine, and you know I’m not, you won’t stop until I really am.

because I can hide my feelings from everyone else, but you just see right through me.

because they cause my heart to scream.

because it makes me want to write more.

because whenever I feel your touch, I get that unexplainable feeling.

because just thinking of you can cause my happiness.

because even if I look like a complete moron, you still love me.

The Ways How You Make Me Love You More.

2011-01-19T02:33:00.000+08:00

Tell me..

2011-01-11T23:05:00.001+08:00

Tell me are you feeling strong, strong enough to love someone and make it through the hardest storm and bad weather? Though being alone teaches you how to be HAPPY regardless of the people around you. But still, it is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ~~"What about lunch?".~~ And “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” :)

What took you so long?

2011-01-06T01:09:00.002+08:00

because I knew right there and then that you’re the one I want to spend my life with. :) ♥

It feels so good when somebody told you "What took you so long? I've been waiting all of my life". Yeah, I've been told once. When I used to own that guy. Yes, I USED TO OWN. It feels like, life is so easy with him. That for everything that happened to us, I could still say "I am succumb with your love".. because I knew right there and then that you’re the one I want to spend my life with. Yet, things weren't go the way I wanted it to be. The way I expected it could be.

When I saw this typography, here I am writing and admit to myself without hesitating, "Babe, it was you I remembered".

Disclaimer: I don't own the typo.

Public owns me. Let's call it a day.

2011-01-06T01:05:00.001+08:00

Nothing special happened this day but I love calling this day “A DAY”. Let’s call it a day, my day started at 7:50 of this morning. I woke up and planning to go to dentist to have my retainer but then I got a message from the Dentist saying it is postponed so I’ll be having my retainer tomorrow.

Hinatid ako ng kapatid ko sa school, nag-iisip ako ng kung anu-ano lang. Napapaisip ako kung ba’t antamad-tamad ko lately, ba’t may mga bagay akong gusto sirain, why I feel like playing lately, kung kalian ko sisimulan ang final exam ko sa major subject ko at kung anu-ano pa. Habang nag-iisip ako ng pagkalalimlalim, sawakas, bumalik na rin ang kaluluwa kong saan lang nakakarating. Edi, uso na sa akin ang pressure, uso na sa akin ang walang tulogan ulit, uso na sa akin yung pag gawa ng school projects etcetera. Nitong umaga ko lang naisip talagang sisimulan ko na ang aking proyekto sa web prog. Sa accounting naman, kahapon ko lang natapos ang pag balance samantalang sa Literature 1 ko naman, hindi pa ako nagsisimulang mag summarize sa mga kwento at di pa din ako naghahanap ng sagot sa lahat ng fruitful words ng Professor namin.

Sa bandang hapon, Literature 1 na nun, ako lang mag-isa sa row. Takte. Umabsent kasi yung mga katabi ko (Carlo, Kaye, Lailanie at Art) pinuntahan lang nila yung grammarian nila kaya nagka ganun. Biglang naisip ni ma’am na paghiwahiwalayin kami sa tatlong grupo. From the left ang simula ng pagbilang, nabilang ako sa pangkat 2. Eh kasi may kopya ako ng story, kaya hiniram nung kaklase kong babae na Education ang kurso ewan kung ano ang Major. Magkatabi kaming dalawa, binasa niya yung kwento na medyo may kahabaan rin naman samantalang ako tinitigan lang siya na hawakhawak ang kopya ko at nakikinig sa binabasa niya. Do you know that maximum of 10-15 minutes lang ang kapasidad ng tao sa pakikinig? AT YUN YUNG NANGYARI SA AKIN KANINA. (hahaha) BORING. OO. AS IN. HANGING ANG KWENTO. LUMILIPAD ULIT ANG KALULUWA KO. TINATAMAD AKO ULIT. Habang nagmumuntanga na naman ako kunwaring nakikinig at nagbabasa yun pala nakatulala lamang, we came up to this conversation:

Classmate1: blah blah blah… Former mistress.. so former katulong siya sa bahay

AKO: wait…. MISTRESS = KABIT hindi yan FORMER KATULONG, FORMER KABIT YAN

Classmate1: as in? sure ka?!

AKO: tumango lamang.

Classmate2: Oo, mistress.. kabit yan… kabit ang kahulogan niyan hindi katulong

Classmate1: ahh. Okay. Correction. *nagpatuloy sa pagbabasa* hanggang sa…

Classmate1: tama lagi ko. Katulong.. *binasa ang kwento*

Classmate3: bitaw. Tama ka. Wa may nakipag-away nimo.

AKO: kabit talaga yan, asan ba yung part na may mistress thingy?! Kabit kasi talaga yan hindi yan katulong!

Classmate2: kabit yan. Hindi katulong.

AKO: *kausap ang sarili* “She’s annoying. Now I know why Kaye doesn’t like her, Why I’m annoyed and Why Lailanie dislikes her either.. Education ang kurso, hindi alam ang kahulugan ng misteress. Kung tutuosin, madali lang naman sana. Kung ako magiging estudyante niya, mas matalino pa siguro ako sa kanya. Ayokong maging titser siya ng magiging anak ko”. (EDI AKO NA ANG NANGHUSGA AT MASAMA) Hindi nga kasi, diba sabi dito… blahblahblah

Classmate1: aie. Nabasa mo na pala tong kwento?

AKO: hindi. Alam ko lang kasi nakikinig ako sayo. Sa mga pinagsasabi mo. :D

Classmate1: aie. Very good. Very very good. *abot tenga ang ngiti*

AKO: T_____T

Hanggang sa natapos ang discussions magchacharade kami.

Nung bandang 1:45 ng hapon web prog naming nun, Attendance nalang ang drama ng klase. Inaasar ako ni Art kasi nalaman niya na may katawagan akong chuvaness skemerloo sabay sabing:

Art: Masakit nu? Masakit pag inaasar ka sa tawagan niyo.. :p

Ako: *no comment*

Kaye: *pamatay tingin sa akin habang nagsesenyas*

Ako: She already knew..

Kaye: Pano? Ano sabi?

Ako: Ana man gud siya, “daghan kayo kog chikahon ba, hilomhilom lang man ka Lade, ayaw sige hilomhilom dira.

Siya: Ano sabi mo?

Ako: She asked me but I said “Wala man, Oh kami. Mao ra. Tapos”.

Kaye: Ahh.. blahblahblahblah

Ako: Ako din. Ayoko niyan. I don’t like talking my love life thingy. I don’t like spilling it what happened etc..

Kaye: Ngano?!?

Ako: that’s a part of me that I always want to keep it private. Basta pag kana, I want it in private. Privacy. Respeto. Ana lang..

Sila: ngeeeeeee. Dapat dili.

Kaye: No, you’re a public.. it should be public

Ako: hahaha. So, public owns me?!

*tawanan*

So this the day. ciao! :)

As pathetic as it sounds.

2011-01-04T23:23:00.001+08:00

You said:

I am the girl you would never want to lose.

I am the air for every breath you breathe.

I am the girl you wanted to marry.

I am your dream girl.

I am your everything.

I said:

I’d be the girl he would never wants to lose.

I wanna be the air for every breath he breathes.

I wanna be the girl he wanted to marry.

I wanna be his dream girl.

I wanna be his everything.

I want to be the reason of his existence.

I’d do everything he says. I’d be the girl he would never wants to lose.

Here I am, waiting for that day. Waiting for him to say those things to me.

As pathetic as it sounds. As stupid as I am. I'll still be waiting for him.

Only if..

2011-01-02T20:01:00.001+08:00

sweet, lovable, Caring

decent, conservative, innovative

amazing petite Lady

unkind, unsweetened, nagger

indecent, non-conservative, stupid

player little bitch

I should have told you this:

I can be one of the beetches in town

ONLY IF, I WANT TO

The other way..

2011-01-01T12:18:00.000+08:00

I was not born to insist myself to someone who doesnt want me anymore.. I give love, yes i do. Infact i easily fall for someone who makes me feel special.. But when i sense that the person is starting to get rid of me? I wont waste time.. I wont wait for him to neglect my presence.. Love dont fades easily, but mark my words.. “i can contradict my feelings just to make sure i wont look stupid.”

First post of the year

2011-01-01T01:15:00.000+08:00

May lagnat ako. Masakit ulo ko. Likoran. Puso ko. Tiyan ko. Oh sige na, BUONG KATAWAN KO ANG MASAKIT. nakakapagod isaisahin. Yung totoo, naka inom ako ngayon pero di ako lasing. Ang timang eh nu? Sabihin ba namang naka inom habang ginagawa ito... depota. pwede bang magmura nalang... tragis!

Siguro nga may sakit ako, nakainom.. pero di ako lasing.. napapamura ako dahil di ko alam kung anong sasabihin.. gusto kong mag-post.. mag sulat.. pero wala akong maisip na mailagay.. kainis..

Blame no one..

2010-12-31T01:33:00.002+08:00

Mangarap ka at abutin mo 'to. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa'yo mga magulang mo, pwede kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sa pag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sa kili-kili. Sa bandang huli, ikaw din ang biktima. Rebeldeng walang napatunayan at bait sa sarili.

Bilang isang tao, may karne sa loob ng bungo mo na nangangailangan ng sustansya. Maraming pagkakataong kakailanganin mong sundutin yon. At sa bawat sundot, tulad ng sundot-kulangot, mas maigi kung may kapaki-pakinabang kang makukuha.

The impulse to keep yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes.

Buhay pa pala ang kantang ito

2010-12-29T20:13:00.000+08:00

Kanina nung pauwi na kami ng kaklase ko. Yung timang na radyo sa HopOn ito yung tugtog. Bigla kong naalala si "ex". December 12, 2006 bandang alas singko na ata ng hapon nun ng kinakanta ni ex ang Stars by Callalily sa stage. Oo, sa stage. maraming tao nun. Teacher's Day nun, nasa stage siya kinakanta niya ito, sa malayo pa lang, alam kong Stars ang tugtog. Ang plucking sa gitara stars na stars, ang pag hampas ng drum's stick sa drum kuhang-kuha.. Papunta ako nun sa hall, di ko masyadong makilala kung sino ang vocalist.. nung lumiko ako, papuntang room na ang destinasyon ko nun ng biglang may sumalubong sa akin sabay sabi "uyyy, Stars lade oh.... ALAM MO KUNG SINO YUNG KUMANTA?! ♥" ako naman kunwaring di ko gets yung punto ng bruha, "Sino bang vocalist nyan?" sabi niya "Yung, bayu mo lang naman..yung first love mo lang naman paw" ako naman di makapaniwala, sa lahat ng pwedeng kantahin yan pa talaga, nang-aasar talaga ang drama eh nu. tae. Tumakbo lang ako bigla na parang ewan di alam kung saan pupunta. Masakit puso ko nun, di kami okay nun, magulo yung relasyon namin nun at higit sa lahat affected ako sa kanta kasi alam kong para sa akin yung kanta pero napaka bulag ko para hindi maintindihan ang kahulogan. Oo, gets ko.. pero nagpaka bulagan lang ako. Alam ko lang talaga kasing, may iba eh.. may iba... Oo, mahal ka niya..... mahal ko siya.. mahal niya ako... pero ang tanong na di ko kayang sagotin na pilit niyang iniiwasan.. (pwede bang, hanggang dito nalang)

Balik tayo sa kwento, naalala ko lang yung panahon na yun.. yung kinilig ako sa kanya kasi kinanta niya yan sa stage... naalala ko pa, kay Aaron ko unang narinig ang kantang yan, nagpaparinig din ang mokong pero di pwede kasi taken na ako sa panahon na yun. Pagka gabi, sa bahay ng kaibigan naming dalawa ni ex, nagyoyosi ang mokong..... basta, kinanta niya yan habang nakakandong ako sa kanya.. tinanong ko siya kung mahal niya pa ba yung ex niya.. kung san ako sa buhay niya nakalugar... at kung anu-ano pa..

Wala lang, bigla ko lang naalala lahat ng dahil sa kantang 'to.... uhmm, minsan naghahanap ako ng timing para malaman kung affected pa ba ako sa kantang 'to, gaya ng kanina na pasabi tuloy ako ng "BUHAY PA PALA ANG KANTANG 'TO?" at ng matapos ang kanta gaya ng dati nakakatulog ako habang pinakikinggan ito. di ko nga alam kung bakit. =.=

Kasi bookish RAW ako

2010-12-29T19:42:00.000+08:00

Yung totoo, hindi ako ganun ka adik sa mga aklat. Ayoko sa mga academic books. Ayoko sa mga romance thingy POCKETBOOKs na kadalasang pinagbabasa ng mga pilipinang dalagita. Pero 'di ibig sabihin ni isa wala akong nabasa sa mga yun. Of course, kailangan kong mag-basa ng mga academe books, papaano ako papasa kung hindi ako magbabasa at mag-aaral. Sa romance thingy pocketbook, yung mga tipong precious hearts romance ayoko sa mga aklat na ganun. Pero nakapagbasa na ako, pinilit akong magbasa kasi raw maganda, nakakakilig, at kung anu-ano pa. Halos lahat ng mga pinsan ko (mother's side) yan yung hilig, kaya nung nalaman nilang di ako nagbabasa ng ganun, gulat na gulat sila. Eh ako naman, dapat bang ika-gulat yun?! Eh sa hindi ako ganun na babae diba. One time, sa school fourth yr high school na ako nun. Medyo close kami ng OIC (office-in-charge) sa school nun eh, pareho kami ng hilig Shakespeare lalo na yung Hamlet at Macbet. Nakita niya ako sa labas nagbabasa ng maliit na aklat, akala niya kung ano.. Nung nakita niya ang cover, tinapik niya at nahulog iyon sa aking mga kamay sabay sabi "Stop reading silly books. Why are you reading any of those?". Oo, bastos kung iisipin kasi nagbabasa ako tapos yun pa talaga ang ginawa. Sinagot ko naman si Sir, sabi ko.. "I was forced to read this book". Basta, nag-usap kami kung anong meron sa book na yun at kung anu-ano pa. nagulat lagn siguro siya kasi di niya akalain na magbabasa ako ng ganun klaseng libro.

Balik tayo sa mga litrato sa itaas, matagal na yang libro na "Ang paboritong libro ni hudas" bigay yan ni bestfriend sa akin, nung nagfood trip kami sa SM. Kung anu-ano lagn pinag-gagawa naming tatlo nun, spoil brat kami masyado ni Rina sa kanya kaya ganun. Hanggang ngayon, nasa kalagitnaan pa rin ako ng nyan. AT ITO ANG KAUNA-UNAHANG FILIPINONG LIBRO na meron ako maliban sa mga aklat na pampaaralan. Si Bob Ong kasi ang may gawa, eh naiintriga ako sa mga gawa niya kaya nagpabili kami ni Rina kay bestfriend ng Bob Ong book. (haha!) Yung ikalawa naman, bigay yan ni Mr Elementary, depota! I was about to buy a book na nun kaso na unahan ako. =.= Ngayon lang ako ulit nagkaroon ng interasado sa mga aklat. SWEAR. Nung pinanood ko yung movie nyan, di ako naiyak, di gaya ng pinsan ko na halos gumuho ang gabi niya sa kakaiyak. (hahaha) Kasi nagandahan ako sa movie, at pakiramdam ko mas maganda yung aklat kung babasahin. Ganyan naman talaga kasi yan diba, mas maganda yung kwento sa libro kaysa sa movie. Don't judge the book by its movie. Ang huling libro naman, "stainless longganisa" ni Bob Ong.. hiniram ko kay Erra ang aklat na yan, kasi para sa mga manunulat raw. Di naman ako assuming na manunulat nu pero parang feel ko ng mag-sulat ng seryoso.. as in yung sseryosong ako.. yung tipong ginagawa ko noon.. yung noon.. Oo, yung noon. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko ginagawa ang gma projects ko. Hindi ko ginawa yung bring home exam sa accounting. tae. nakakapagod pa naman mag balance. depota. Sa Literature 1 naman, di ko na nasusummarize ang ang mga kwento. at ang major ko naman, na final exam sa Web Programming... hindi ko pa nasisimulan............ mas gusto ko pang magbasa nalang, kumain, matulog at mamatay. Joke! Gusto ko ng magpahinga. Pero di pwede.

Akalain mo, tatlong libro ang binabasa ko sa mga panahon na ngayon. Hindi sabay-sabay. uLOL. kapag na bore na ako sa isa, dun na naman sa isa. palipat-lipat lang. At tingin ko, hindi ko talaga matatapos ang tatlong aklat na ito. Kung noon, nagawa kong taposin sa pagbasa ang dalawang aklat. Ngayon naman, parang malabo.......... malabo pa sa pag-iisip ko ngayon.

Back to December 15, 2008

2010-12-23T01:17:00.001+08:00

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier then ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

'Cause the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to december all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to december, turn around and make it all right and
I go back to december all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side,
Realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to december
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine and
I go back to december, turn around and make it alright and
I go back to december, turn around and change my own mind and
I go back to december all the time

All the time

What About Love? By Lemar

2010-12-22T13:09:00.001+08:00

What if I took my time to love you?

What if I put no one above you?

What if I did the things

That really mattered?

What if I ran through

Hoops of disaster?

No one would care if

We never made it

We're in this alone

So why don't we face it

There is no room to

Blame one another

We just need time to

Forgive each other

What about love?

What about feeling?

What about all the things that make life worth living?

What about faith?

What about trust?

And tell me baby...what about us?

How can I give this

Love a new beginning?

How can I stop the rain?

It's never ending

How do I keep my soul believing?

Memories of how we

Should be keep calling

I'll take the rivers rise

I'll take the happy times

I'll take the moments of disaster

I thought wrong

2010-12-12T22:02:00.001+08:00

When I was sitting this morning in the terrace, I asked myself some questions but I can't find any answer to it. Yet, I asked myself another set of questions.. I thought so deep. I asked and answered my own questions. And that was the time I answered myself truthfully again. I thought it's because of you that's why I stayed myself at single, didn't commit to anyone else, it's because of you why I am pushing them away from loving me, because of you that I can't afford to lose etc.. BUT I thought wrong, I was wrong. I am wrong. It's not because of you why I stayed single, it was all because of him. It's because of him. Thinking that I can't find much better than him. more so a good one for me. That he was the one I thought I could have until the end, I asked myself why I made up my mind so fast.. I can't find an answer, maybe it was all because I love him so much. Siya pala ang dahilan kung bakit single pa din ako hanggang ngayon, siya pala hindi ikaw.

It was December 15 year 2008 when we broke up. I asked myself, How am I suppose to live life without him by my side? But of course, I did it on my own. Tuesday nun, last week ng hiningi ng kaklase ko sa Physics ang number ko kasi magpapatext ako sa kanya kapag nagtext yung kabarkada ko. Natapos ang laboratory, nagtawanan at kulitan kami palabas ni Christian, yung binigyan ko ng number ng may biglang nagtext sa akin ng "Hi!love you". Ako naman, nagulat tinanong kung sino siya. Sabi niya suitor ko raw, hindi ako naniwala tawa lang ako ng tawa at di ko talaga winala ang "aaw. mao ba. ampatay" na linya ko. Hanggang sa nagdrama siya, sabi niya kinalimutan ko na raw siya, na di porket malayo kami sa isa't isa kinalimutan ko na ang past namin, na saan na raw ang dating kami at kung anu-ano pa. Eh ako naman, tawang-tawa lang nagtaka si Carlo kaklase ko na kaibigan ko din, sabi niya sino ka-text ko. Pinabasa ko yung conversation namin, tinext niya yung guy na parang may halong selos. LOLjk! So ayun, tinext niya.... nagreply siya sabi niya "Taga UP pala ako" edi, biglang nagsesryoso na ako at napamura. Chineck yung sent items nawala ang reply ni Carlo, binura niya pala. Tinanong ko si Carlo ng pagka seryosong tono, kung ano nireply niya. Ayaw niyang sabihin, kinulit ko. Umamin din, sinabihan ko siya na hindi si Christian yung ka-text ko, si Troy pala. Siya pala. And again, I thought wrong. No comment na si Carlo matapos nun. Eh, ako naman na paranoid panay reply sa mokong. At self-instinct na magkakabalikan ba kami nito? Pero of course, hindi na mangyayari yun. tinext ko na yung kabarkada ko na andito si Troy sa school. blahblahblah. Nagulat rin siya gaya ko. Pero kasi another self-instinct na hindi talaga si Troy ka-text ko. Kasi huling usapan namin ni Troy, miss namin ang isa't isa yun lang. wala ng iba pa. Hinuli ko sa text yung nagpapanggap na si Troy, at ng banda 5:30 ng hapon umamin rin ang mokong na si Christian pala siya. Hindi ako nasaktan, natawa lang ako. Pero napasabi ako ng "SAYANG!". Inasar na ako ni Christian ng pagka bonggang bongga, humingi din naman siya ng tawad sa akin pagka tapos. At simula nun, parati ng absent ang mokong. Hindi na pumapasok. Sa tuwing nagtetext siya di na ako nagrereply. Tumawag siya, di ko nasagot. haha. mokong na yun, ako na naman ang pagtritripan.

Balik tayo sa kwento, out of them, wala akong sinagot kasi di ko mapalit palitan si Troy. Oo, si Troy na............. ~bow. Wala na akong gusto sa kanya, pero kasi alam ko kung ano ang hinahanap ko. Hindi ko sila ikinukumpara kay Troy, sadyang ako yung tipo ng tao na kahit anong gawin sa aking effort kapag wala pa rin akong reaction di ako nakapag adjust, balewala yan sa akin. ekis na yun agad. ewan ko ba kung bakit ganun.

So there's this stranger that I met this year. Akalain mong magtatagal kami sa sitwasyong ganito, sa sitwasyong pa chat-chat lang, kwentokwentohan, asarasaran etc.. Nagkikita din naman kami bihira nga lang... Nang di nagtagal, lumipas ang ilanag buwan tinanong ako ni Lailanie kung mahal ko na ba raw yung tao, natawa lang ako sabay sabi "Hindi. Ako yung tipong, hindi madaling maInLove pero mapagmahal ako.. Nag-aantay lang ako na........ i'll be able to miss the person itself and not what we used to do. Nagiging habit ko na siya teh, antayin lang natin kung saan ako mapupunta nito" sabi niya, "See, ganyan din yung sinasabi ko sayo noon. Pero ngayon, miss ko na yung tao. yung tao na." sabi ko naman "kung dadating ako dyan, well, we will see beetch."

Nung Monday last week, tinanong ako ni Kaye "Ba't ka bumabalik sa past Lade?" di ko alam kung ano ang isasagot, naitanong ko rin ang sarili ko bigla, bakit nga ba? So, sinagot ko siya, sabi ko "a part of me left with that person. i fucked up half of my life when we messed up. Oo, hindi naging kami ni FROM THE PAST pero iba yung impact teh". and she said, "Go, FUCK UP YOUR LIFE LADE!" natawa lang ako sabay sabi ng "alam ko na kung ano ang status ng love life ko ngayon, IT's TOO LATE! haha" blahblahblah. Ngayon pa siya babalik na okay na ako, na wala na. Ngayon pa na handa na pagod na ako. Magsisi na ang magsisi. Basta kasi ako, wala na. pagod na. nasayang na. Sabi ko pa kay Kaye, siya ang dahilan kung bakit single pa din ako at para for fun. for myself kaya i stayed single, but I was wrong. I am wrong. I thought wrong. Si Troy at ang perception ko ang dahilan kaya single pa din ako ngayon. Hindi ko na siya mahal. wala na. pero kasi, ayokong gumamit ng ibang tao para tuloyang mawala na talaga kaya ganun.

Nung Tuesday last week, sinabihan ako ni Lailanie "H'wag ka ng bumalik sa past Lade, hayaan mo na sila. Tapos na. Tama na ang past. Except kay Nac-Nac" of course, kasi beetches tawang-tawa ako. kami. sabi ko, "Only exception talaga si Nac-Nac Lai?" tumawa lang ang bruha. Sinabihan ko si Kaye at Lailanie ng "Ang tanong niya, ba't ako bumabalik sa past? ikaw naman wag ka ng bumalik sa past. Kung hindi pa talaga sinabi ni Lailanie yun, baka kami na ni FROM THE PAST ng dahil sa kagagahan ko. haha" Hindi ko mahal ang tao, so ba't pa ako babalik diba? Si Troy naman, magdadalawang taon na ngayon December 15, 2010 akong single. meaning, magdadalawang taon na kaming wala. And yeah, I'll be loving someone after that day. I guess.

I thought wrong. Yeah. I was wrong. I am wrong. and now I know. it's not you, it's him.

Nasaan na?

2010-12-12T20:57:00.000+08:00

Kaninang umaga nakaupo lang ako sa terrace kasama si makoy yung aso namin. Ang tahitahimik, tanging tinig lang ng mga ibon ang naririnig ko. Tumingin ako sa itaas napatingala at napaisip ng malalim. Naitanong ko ang sarili ko ng "Kamusta na nga ba ako?", "Ano ng nangyari sa akin?", "Okay nga lang ba ako?", "Na pano na ako?", "May nangyari nga ba sa akin?" at kung anu-ano pa. Nag-isip ako ng posibleng sagot ngunit wala akong maisip na pwedeng sagot sa mga tanong ko nang narinig ko ang kumukulong tiyan ni makoy napalingon ako sa kanya at natawa. Pinakain ko siya, ngunit di niya kinain ang pagkain. Nag-effort pa naman akong pakainin siya. Tinignan ko si makoy, naalala ang nakalipas yung panahon na siya ay isang tuta pa lang, yung panahong kinasusuklaman ko pa siya kasi nakagat na ako ng aso kaya nagka ganun. Naalala ko din yung panahon na nahuli siya at napaiyak ako habang umiiyak din siya. Tumingin ako sa mga mata ni makoy at nakita ko ang aking sarili. Ako lang mag-isa, ako lang nasa paningin niya, ako lang wala ng iba. Lumipat ako ng pwesto, sa may grotto na naman ako na upo. Tinitigan ko sina Mama Mary at Santo Niño habang tinatanggal ang bahay ng gagamba. Ang dating tuwing sabado ko pinapalitan ng damit na si Santo Niño at pinuponasan si Mama Mary ay halos mag-iilang buwan ko ng hindi nagagawa at nalilinisan. Napatanong ako ulit sa sarili ko ng, ano nga bang nangyari sa dating ako?

Isa ka pa!

2010-12-11T19:46:00.001+08:00

ALAM MO, NAKAKAINIS KA GUD. AS IF NAMANG HINDI KO ALAM KUNG ANO TALAGA YUNG PINAPAMUKHA MO SA AKIN NU?! WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, babe. Because seeing your friend with someone else won’t give me any odd feelings.

Bago ako nabwesit nung nabasa ko 'to, si papa jejemon ay may syota na! YES! I'm so happy for him at naka get over na din talaga siya sa akin. So, okay na ako dun. Kontentong kontento na talaga ako dun. :) Nakita ko yung relationship status niya at nilike ko nagpasalamat ang mokong na may halong pagka gulat. Binalewala ko nalang din yung comment niya, nagWelcome lang ako para wala ng kasunod na comment. Matapos nun, nabasa ko sa news feed ng facebook ko na yang taong nasa itaas yung lalaking yan na kaibigan ni papa jejemon nagcomment. So, obviously sa pagka basa niyo dyan, sinubukan kong kumalma ang pagka comment pero tingin ko talaga naging masungit ako kahit konti. X_X pero chox lang yun! He shouldn't messed up with me by that time because I was already fucked of what just happened to me in the morning. :(

Balik tayo sa kwento. Pinuntahan ko yung profile ni papa jejemon para makiechos kahit konti. konti lang naman. :D Maganda yung bago niyang mahal. Yun lang yung masasabi ko. AYOKONG MATAWA.. pero kasi ipagpatawad mo.. ganun pala talaga eh nu?! Nung, nagbabalak ka pa lang manligaw sa akin, halos lahat ng kabarkada niya at kapamilya niya nakakakilala na sa akin, ako lang yung walang alam na kilala na pala nila ako. :| IMBA niya talaga! Pero ganun pa man, nakakakilig na nakakainis. echos! :”> ngayon na may syota ka na, hindi man lang alam ng mga kabarkada niya na may syota na pala siya. HAHA! Eh, samantalang noong magkaibigan pa lang kami, halos isipin na nila na kami na nga talaga.. nakakatawa kasi pakiramdam ko tuloy, mas minahal niya ako kaysa sa syota niya ngayon. Yun lang naman. bow. Nang matapos yung pakikipag echos ko sa profile niya, chinat niya ako bigla. Nangamusta, actually, bago ko pa nalaman na may syota na pala siya mag-dadalawang linggo na ata niya ako ulit kinakausap. So ayun nga, chinat niya ako kinamusta ako at yung love life ko. Nung sinabi kong "single na single. happily single" akalain mong gusto niya talaga na single ako, sinabihan pa talaga ako na mas mabuti na yung single kasi walang sakit sa ulo di gaya ng may syota nagkakasakit yung ulo ng isang tao. Sabi ko naman sa kanya, "depende lang naman yan sa partner mo eh :)" sumang-ayon din naman siya sa sinabi ko. So, para di awkward, kinamusta ko yung love life niya.. ang mokong edineny ang syota.. edi, natawa si ako, sabi ko ansama mo naman in denial ka pa dyan e kakalike ko nga lang sa status mo kasi may syota ka na. Humingi naman ng tawad at kalaunan umamin na din si papa jejemon na meron na nga kaso SMP parin ang pasko niya, nagtanong ako kung bakit sabi niya kasi nasa California raw yung syota niya. Sabi ko naman, "mao man. Ako, hindi SMP pasko ko". nagulat ulit si actor, tinanong ako kung bakit sabi ko "kasi hindi malamig ang pasko ko." tinanong ulit ako kung bakit and so nagpaliwanag ako... sabi ko secret.. nagpumilit kaya ayun sabi ko, wala nga lang talaga kasi. :) hindi lang talaga malamig agn pasko ko.. tumawa lang ang mokong, at nagpaalam na ako para matulog. Di na ako sanay na may kachat pang iba maliban sa 'taong' yun. :)

Ba't ka pa bumalik?

2010-12-11T19:39:00.001+08:00

Sana noon ka pa bumalik, di yung ngayon na okay na ako.

Sana noon ka pa bumalik, di yung ngayon nakasanayan ko ng wala ka sa tabi ko.

Sana noon ka pa bumalik, di yung ngayon na handa na akong magtiwala sa iba.

Sana noon ka pa bumalik, di yung ngayon na tanggap ko ng wala ka sa mga panahong kailangan kita.

Sana noon ka pa bumalik, di yung ngayon na wala ka na sa isipan ko.

(nawala nga ba o binalewala ko lang)

Sana noon ka pa bumalik, di yung ngayon...

Sana noon ka pa bumalik, sa panahong kailangan na kailangan kita

Sana noon ka pa bumalik, sa panahong wala akong hinangad kundi ang makasama ka sa pagtawa

Sana noon ka pa bumalik, yung lugmok na lugmok ako at di alam kung ano ang gagawin

Sana noon ka pa bumalik, yung noon na handa akong makasama ka

Sana noon ka pa bumalik...

Sabi mo mahal mo 'ko, hindi mo 'ko iniwan, na minahal mo lang ako sa malayo, na hinayaan mo lang ako makasama sa piling ng iba upang maging masaya, at higit sa lahat na andyan ka lang talaga parati sa akin. Sinong inuto mo? AKO?! Ako na kontrolado mo noon. Ako na piniling awayin ang bestfriend para sayo kahit alam kong mali ka. Ako na piniling magpakatanga. Hindi ko pinagsisihan ang lahat ng nangyari, hindi nga naging tayo, yun nga yung punto ko.. hindi naging tayo, kaya pwede bang 'wag ng balikan ang nakaraan. Ang nakaraan na nilimot ko na. Ang nakaraan na dinulot mo. Ang nakaraan ay nakaraan na. I made up my mind, no turning back anymore. no more. Sa simula't sapol, ang pagmamahal ko sayo ay bilang isang kaibigan lang talaga.. at hanggang ngayon, ganun pa din. Ipagpatawad mo kung hindi ko tinanggap ang pagmamahal mo, mahal kita sa paraang alam kong tama. Sa paraang magkaibigan lang talaga ang pwede sa atin. Bumalik ka, bumalik siya, bumalik sila.. ilang past pa ang dapat bumalik para lang maalala ko lahat? O baka naman, panahon na upang ihinto ang pagtakas sa nakalipas.

40 years of living

2010-11-29T23:11:00.001+08:00

I miss writing true to life article on this blog. Hence, I am touched and feel like on writing, I've got some questions on my mind....

What if you're a girl, you are sick and you only have 40 years to live, what would you do? What will you do? Do you still have plans on getting married? Would you still build a dream with the one you love? Would you still plan to have your own family? Do you still have the guts to bear a child? Can you still act and live like EVERYTHING is alright and will just be okay eventually?

Life is a gift to be wasted. Life is beautiful when you decide you love yourself enough to weed out ALL THE BULLSHIT. Too beautiful to live in a miserable way. I thought of "it's better not to know things sometimes". It won't make your heart hurt. No heart aches. No heart breaks. No doubts. No WHAT IF and ONLY IFs. But, of course, there are these days when you keep asking yourself "How can I still smile and laugh in these days?!" sometimes in our tears we drown but we never let it get us down... We know someday it'll all turn around. Indeed, "What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life. :)

When we are in love, we ask ourselves by "WHAT IF YOU WERE REALLY MADE FOR ME? SHOULD I STILL GIVE UP?" and telling LIFE IS UNFAIR. Isn't it? When you already decided to give up, IT WOULD BE A BIG LIE IF LOSING THE ONE YOU LOVE WAS SOMETHING A CERTAIN PERSON COULD HANDLE. When you are important to another person, that person will always find a way to make time for you. No excuses, no lies, no broken promises. But how about his/her feelings?

What if you are me? What if you are her? What if you're into this situation? What if as a boy, same situation you're in to, WILL YOU BEAR THE BARRIERS ALONE OR PREFER WITH SOMEONE? GIVE UP OR FIGHT?

Gonna plan............ Gonna live like everything is okay.. Gonna love wholeheartedly even if it ends at the age of 40.. at some point, ONCE UPON A TIME there's a story of ME and YOU. ♥

uhmm...

2010-11-12T15:52:00.003+08:00

At the end, people will see everything their way…. people define it the way they want and act however they want. So you never find out what the other person is like. When a male and female start liking each other, these types of hormones come out… And when they start loving each other, a new set of hormones appear. this set is the most important but it also makes a person go crazy in love. With the next step, the male and female want to go further into their relationship, so they go to either sex or marriage. then these hormones come out, it also comes out when a mother nurtures a baby… it’s like saying love of a female is the same for everyone. the funnier thing is, this other hormone makes people in love blind… all the hormones i just mentioned usually fade away in two years. i don’t know if the hormones are dried up but i only see your weak points… When i start, i contemplate whether i should start and when it ends, i do the same. even if the hormones full or empty, i made an effort to do it truthfully..

Love is like a cloud holds a lot of rain

2010-11-12T15:51:00.004+08:00

They say that love is difficult. They say that it will consume you, all of you, and that you will never be the same again.

You will be exposed to heartaches. You will experience pain, pain unlike the ones you’ve experienced before.

They say that once you love, there can be no turning back. It is like eating the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. Once your eyes are opened, you can never close them again. You’d have departed your childish innocence, that fairy tale world where nothing ever goes wrong and nothing ever comes unexpected. ~~Love is difficult. Why desire it?~~

You have been able to live your life without need of anyone. You spend your nights quietly, with no one to break that sweet silence between you and your God.

When you fall in love, you run the risk of having something, and of losing something. You run the risk of never viewing your nights the same way again.

If you lose the love you have sought, you will lose your quiet evenings, and they will be replaced with sleepless nights. You will always search for what you have lost. You will search for warm arms to embrace you, for sweet lips to kiss you, for gentle words to caress your neck. And who can bear missing such wonderful things?

Is it better therefore to remain as a child who knows nothing? Is it better to be innocent than to broken?

None can judge which is far better than the heart that needs to answer such things for herself.

They say that love is difficult. But it is not easiness that I seek. Life is a struggle in itself. Look where there is no struggle, and all you can see is a world bereft of life and of consciousness.

You can never truly lose anything unless you have possessed something first. You can never grieve of loss less you have possessed something great, something that gave value to your life.

Difficult as it is, love is wonderful, and it is worth all the troubles other people may try to warn you about. Living a full life, risking to lose something wonderful. To love is indeed the one purpose a person desires to live his life for. Life always chooses to be born, to be experienced, and to be aware of the beautiful path we walk upon each day…

Disclaimer: itrainedthatday

Where my heart should go..

2010-11-12T15:49:00.002+08:00

They can never understand
the kind of love that we have
For how could they?
How could they ever fathom
the depths of our bond?

They do not hear our whispers
nor the sweet nothings that come out of our lips,
they do not know the places
where I seek you,
and where you await always to be found.

They do not know the nights
when I lie awake thinking of you,
they do not know the mornings
when I awaken in joy
yearning to see you,
and to know you better than I have ever known you
in days that passed.

You are mine and I am yours,
we are joined in bliss
as we danced,
forever we danced.
We were lost in our passion,
yet we were never truly lost.

They can never understand
how two hearts can speak
without uttering a single word,
how two minds can understand,
without explaining a single thought.

Only LOVE speaks,
Only LOVE hears,
Only LOVE
can ever truly understand…

Disclaimer: itrainedthatday

Would you?

2010-11-12T15:48:00.006+08:00

Will you still love me even if I’m not perfect? Will you still love me even if I’m not the kind of person you wished I were? Will you still look into my eyes with warmth even if you saw my shadows? Will you still hold my hand even if you knew there will be times I’d let you down?

For though I yearn to take care of you as I should, though I desire to love you with a love that never falters and fades, my knees tremble this very moment that you hold me in your arms.
Shall I kiss you? Shall I hold your hand and bask in the light of your spirit knowing that I have my darkness, knowing there will be times that the light of my love will sometimes be overshadowed by the darkness that is in me?

Sometimes I’d be silent and I might bore you. I may not laugh at your jokes, and you may not understand the spell that’s enshrouding me. Sometimes I’d get troubled and I’d fail to put into words what the hell it is that troubles me. I wouldn’t be good company then, and I couldn’t make you smile.

Sometimes I’d get moody and I might not enjoy the things you’d like us to do together. Sometimes I’d lose my temper and I’d no longer act like the fine person who stands before you today. Sometimes I’d get jealous and I might say things I don’t really mean. Sometimes I’d talk too much that I might drive you away.

Sometimed I’d get touchy and I’d get easily hurt. And no matter how mature I try to be, at times I’d act in childish ways. I’d demand things I shouldn’t, I’d say thing I shouldn’t say. And no matter how much I desire to protect you and make you happy, sometimes I’d be the one who’d cause you the most pain.

If you will love me I cannot promise you that I will not hurt you. I cannot promise you that I will not make you cry and that I’ll never break your heart. But if you will love me, I will bare my whole self naked before you, and I will reveal to you my soul. If you will love me, you can be certain that it is I that you will love, not a mask that fools you and gives you only what your eyes desire to see. If you will love me, you can be certain that you will love the depths of me, all of me that is in me, and I in turn will love you with all of me, with all my soul, with all my mind, with all my spirit, with all my flaws and beauty, and with all my very heart.

Disclaimer: itrainedthatday

Without words...

2010-11-12T15:46:00.001+08:00

I should have done that
I should have ignored it
like something i couldn’t see
I shouldn’t have looked at you at all
I should have run away
I should have acted like i didn’t hear it
like something I couldn’t hear.
I shouldn’t have listened to love at all

Without a word , you let me know love
Without a word, you give me love
You made me even hold your breath but you ran away like this
Without a word, love leaves me
Without a word, love tossed me away
what should I say next?
my closed lips were surprised on their own
coming without any words

Why does it hurts so much?
Why does it hurts continuously?
Except for the fact that i can’t see you anymore
And that you are not here anymore
Otherwise, it’s the same as before.

Without a word , you let me know love
Without a word, you give me love
You made me even hold of your breath but you ran away like this
Without a word, love leaves me
Without a word, love tossed me away
What should I say next?
My closed lips were surprised on their own
Without a word, tears fall
Without a word, my heart breaks down.

Without a word, i waited for love
Without a word, love hurts me
I zoned out. I become a fool because I cry looking at the sky
Without a word, farewell finds me
Without a word, the end comes to me
I think my heart was surprised to send you away without any preperations
It came without a word.

Without a word, it comes and leaves
Like the fever before
Maybe all I need to do is endure the hurt for a while
Because in the end, only scars are left..

Disclaimer: itrainedthatday

Speak now or forever hold your peace

2010-11-05T09:39:00.005+08:00

'Speak now or forever hold your peace,' the words said by preachers at the end of wedding ceremonies all over the world, right before the vows. It's a last chance for protest, a moment that makes everyone's heart race, and a moment I've always been strangely fascinated by. So many fantasize about bursting into a church, saying what they'd kept inside for years like in the movies. In real life, it rarely happens.

   Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I've begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.

   I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up. When we didn't say 'I love you.' When we should've said 'I'm sorry.' When we didn't stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.

   'These' are made up of words I didn't say when the moment was right in front of me. 'These' are open letters. Each is written with a specific person in mind, telling them what I meant to tell them in person. To the beautiful boy whose heart I broke in December. To my first love who I never thought would be my first heartbreak. To a mean man I used to be afraid of. To someone who made my world very dark for a while. To a girl who stole something of mine. To someone I forgive for what he said in front of the whole world.

Scream

2010-10-10T21:56:00.005+08:00


Came home exhausted
Still thinking about you
Checked the inbox only
To find that there is nothing new
It’s like hoping for the sun to rise
In the midst of heavy rains
Yeah, we better have this analyzed
Before I turn insane
And all you ever do is understand
Your usual selfish side
How come it comes down to nothing?
When I’ve swallowed my own pride
Can’t see what’s the point
In being your slave for eternity
But I stand here waiting
Enduring the pain that’s killing me
Sun has fallen from the sky
Stars no longer shining
Purple sky has turned gray
And it makes me want to
Scream
We’re no longer giving light
Us no longer talking
Rain would not shower love
Now, I’m sort of thinking
How about me leaving you?
You will cry, you will sigh and you
Is there anything you wouldn’t do?
Then you’ll buy my patience
How come I can’t turn you down?
I’m so confused, and so inflamed
Oh, I just can’t stand to see you frown
I will stand here waiting
By the time the sun comes falling
I will be there for you
No matter what you say or do
I will stand here waiting
By the time the sun comes falling
I will be there for you
Can’t stand it
I’d be there for you

Underneath the Stars

2010-10-08T01:52:00.001+08:00

One summer night

We ran away for a while

Laughing, we hurried beneath the sky

To an obscure place to hide

That no-one could find

And we drifted to another state of mind

And imagined I was yours and you were mine

As we lay upon the grass

There in the dark

Underneath the stars

(Young love)

Weak in the knees

Wrapped in the warm gentle breeze

So shy, a bundle of butterflies

Flush with heat of desire

On a natural high

As we drifted to another place in time

And the feeling was so heady and sublime

As I lost my heart to you

There in the dark

Underneath the stars

(Young love)

Beautiful and bittersweetly

You were fading into me

And I was gently fading into you

But the time went sailing by

Reluctantly we said goodbye

And left our secret place so far behind

And I lay in bed all night

And I was drifting

Drifting

And I was yours

And you were my own

My own baby

As we lay

As we

Lay underneath the stars

Underneath the stars

More than anyone

2010-10-04T12:50:00.001+08:00

You need a friend
I'll be around
Don't let this end
Before I see you again
What can I say to convince you
To change your mind of me?

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

Look in my eyes, what do you see?
Not just the color
Look inside of me
Tell me all you need and I will try
I will try

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

Free for you, whenever you need
We'll be free together, baby
Free together, baby

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

I'm gonna love you more than anyone

Realization

2010-09-15T22:56:00.002+08:00

A lot of us have built dreams with people
we hoped would be with us forever.
Only to wake up to reality that thing's
permanent in this world.
Love comes and goes.
People stay and leave.

Life is a constant cycle of finding and losing;
of making and breaking;
of dying and living again.

that's why we should love them right,
for we may never tell...

we might wake up one day
realizing that we already lost
the people we love most in this life..

Unnamed I

2010-09-15T22:55:00.002+08:00

There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me

All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go
I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Coz you keep me from falling apart
All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly
You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, coz you're here with me
And if I let you down
I'll turn it all around
Coz I will never let you go
I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Coz you keep me from falling apart
All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay
Coz without you I can't sleep
I'm not gonna ever

With all my heart,
and all my soul,
I will love you till the winds don't blow.
Until the oceans turn to stone,
my love is yours and yours alone.
My love is forever,
until forever's gone.

AND THEN THEIR WAS YOU

2010-09-15T22:54:00.002+08:00

So cold and dark, so empty and alone,
Never knowing what real love was.

So fragile and closed, so hateful and cruel,
never to open my heart to anyone, and then there was you.
So scared, so new, not knowing what was to come,
I gave you what little I had left.
Hoping that you would want me the way that I am.
Timid and frightend, wanting to love again,
and then there was you.

A little relief from the beating that my heart took,
trying to remember what it was like.
You showed me that it was real and true,
you touch so gentle, you saw right through.
All the pain and distrust disappeared that day,
the love that consumed me felt so perfect and so right.
Still hesitant to let anyone see who I really was,
and then there was you.

Believing in me, trusting me,
loving me unconditionally,
letting go of all the fear, anger, and regret.
Knowing that it is ok just to be who I am.
Crying, laughing, talking,
sharing emotions that I tried to hide for so long.

I LOVE GOD

2010-09-15T22:53:00.004+08:00

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

When We Say

2010-08-15T11:09:00.006+08:00

somethin bout the way
somethin bout the way you look
in my eyes
you make everything so damn easy
so easy that i dont got to worry bout a thing

and baby when we touch
all i can see is the image of us
sitting by the ocean
just before the dusk
sippin on a juice box and
sand between our toes

this is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we have our first kiss
but this ain't a movie
i know you cant come with me
you got your life
he better be treatin you right (treatin you right)

just tell me you dont love me
tell me you dont feel the same way that i do
tell me i dont make you smile
like i do when you walk in the room
you're so, so hard to let go

this is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we say it's forever
but this ain't a fantasy
i know you can't come with me
you got your life
he better be treatin you right

this hurts so much to know that you're
with someone else when you should be w me
its just hard to accept that i cant be around
he better be treatin you good

i'm no einstein but i know a sign
when i see one
and i know you love me too
and i know you love too

this is the part where we say we're in love
and the part where we have our first kiss
but this ain't a movie i know you can't come with me
you got your life he better be treating you good, so
good

you got your life he better be treatin you right
treatin you......
treatin you right...
treatin you right...

Dear future boyfriend

2010-07-25T16:26:00.002+08:00

I know we love each other but I just want to tell you a few things about me. Through this, you won’t complain about my treatment or worse, make fictitious stories about me.

1. Do not expect me to buy material things for you, especially if it’s very expensive. I don’t see super duper love when you give me a thousand pesos worth of teddy bear with an I LOVE YOU sign on its chest. I prefer giving me real mwahs and hugs.

2. I'm not a good cooker. So please bear with me. Do not laugh at my burnt pancakes. I still find it sweet if we eat together, no matter if it’s only Lucky Me Pancit Canton and coke.

3. On a dinner date, let me choose any fancy restaurants or fast food chains, whichever I like. However, I do not pick a restaurant which only serves seafoods. You don’t want me to die early, do you?

4. When you caught me watching spongebob square pants, do not say “yuck” or “isip bata”. I will do the same thing if I caught you watching porn. Let me spare my time with a bit of my stupidity.

5. When I say I love you, I really mean it. Do not laugh as if it’s a joke.

6. When I’m not in mood, please cuddle or at least talk to me. I may not in mood but I have two ears, ready to listen.

7. I don’t like it when you spill our secrets to your echuserang friends.

8. If you’re suspecting me that I have ‘another’ one, go ahead check my inbox. You’ll only find messages from you (of course), my bestfriend, my kabarkadas, classmates, mom, dad and my little brother.

9. Whenever I bully you, don’t get mad at me. It’s just, I find it cute.

10. I’m not a big fan of window shopping.

11. I love it when you pinch my cheeks… even if it hurts.

12. I love traveling, eating, watching movies and sound tripping.

13. Let’s settle this, once and for all - I quite don't like terms of endearment. I am not a big fan of calling you baby ko, daddy, honey, sugar, sweetiepie, applepie, honeybunch… acckk… and vice-versa. First name basis is already fine. But if you want that we have our own unique code name, please use those names you've never been used to anyone.

14. Whenever I cry in front of you, I am really, really hurt. I am not imitating any actress for Christ’s sake.

Well, I think this is enough.

I love you.

2010-07-18T11:11:00.010+08:00

Three words. 8 letters. One meaning.

At one point in all our lives, we’ve either said, heard, or seen these words. It’s a typical phrase to show one’s affection to another. But it’s not just a phrase, right?

What is love though?

It means a lot more than it actually seems. To someone, it means family. To someone else, it means their whole world. Maybe another person, it means someone who’s always been there. Someone else might think, it’s someone they look up to. Or maybe, to someone, it’s just a few words and nothing else.

No expression, no feeling, no love. But what’s an I love you without the love? Impossible, right? It’d feel empty, just regular words that someone put in a dictionary. Nothing but words in print. “I love you is eight letters, so is bullshit.” Why would someone ever compare love to bullshit? I guess it’s because people lie about it. People hide it. People try not to feel it. They don’t want to, because they’re afraid of getting hurt. Who doesn't want to get hurt? No one. No one deserves to be hurt.

Sometimes, we make the wrong choices, but that doesn't mean no one deserves love. People make mistakes. It’s human to make them. We all have flaws, faults, mistakes, and lies. Those people need to find love, even if they’re scared. You need to take risks to love and to be loved. If you don’t, then how do you know what love feels like? Of course you don’t know what love is right away, but people feel it. They just feel it and right away, they know it. Love can be crazy.Love is crazy. It can make you feel alive, make you love more, make you love less, or maybe not even make you love at all. It’ll make you do crazy things for love. Anything, maybe even everything. But what if love is just confusing? Maybe it’s love for a second, but a certain amount of love can last a certain amount of time. It depends how much heart and thought you put into love to make it last and worth it. That’s why it’s confusing to make choices in love. But it’s worth it if you make it worth while.

Nowadays, love is just a label. Boyfriend, girlfriend. Husband, wife. Spouses. Couple. Mom, dad. Sister, brother. Bestfriend, friend. But hater & enemy. Those words, are the total opposite of love.

People love, are loved, and are in love. Those terms of love, have two special things in common. Love, of course is one. But all those terms can be gone by the words, hurt and hate. Those words burn throughout the meaning of love. Nobody wants to be hated and hurt. Those feelings at one point might not want you to love, be loved, or to be in love. People are scared because they realize that it sucks to not be any of those. Then they come up with “Love sucks. Love hurts. Love is bullshit.” Love isn't any of those. It’s the feeling of not being in love, loving, and being loved sucks.

Don’t hate on love. Love is nothing then. Love is worth all the pain, tears, and hurt though. It’s worth to love. To feel loved. Tobe in love. I love you. Don’t take those words for granted. It can mean a lot to a person. A world, a family, someone special. Not just words. It can mean everything. It can save a heart and a soul. Love is everything. Love is anything. Love is love. The best thing about love though, is finding it.

I love you.

Steve Jobs’ Commencement Speech for Stanford University

2010-07-11T14:01:00.010+08:00

-read this when you can :)

Thank you. I’m honored to be with you today for your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. Truth be told, I never graduated from college and this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation.

Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories. The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first six months but then stayed around as a drop-in for another eighteen months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out? It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife, except that when I popped out, they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking, “We’ve got an unexpected baby boy. Do you want him?” They said, “Of course.” My biological mother found out later that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would go to college.

This was the start in my life. And seventeen years later, I did go to college, but I naïvely chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and no idea of how college was going to help me figure it out, and here I was, spending all the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out, I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me and begin dropping in on the ones that looked far more interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms. I returned Coke bottles for the five-cent deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the seven miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example.

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer was beautifully hand-calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and sans-serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me, and we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts, and since Windows just copied the Mac, it’s likely that no personal computer would have them.

If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on that calligraphy class and personals computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do.

Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college, but it was very, very clear looking backwards 10 years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backwards, so you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something—your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever—because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path, and that will make all the difference.

My second story is about love and loss. I was lucky. I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents’ garage when I was twenty. We worked hard and in ten years, Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4,000 employees. We’d just released our finest creation, the Macintosh, a year earlier, and I’d just turned thirty, and then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew, we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so, things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge, and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our board of directors sided with him, and so at thirty, I was out, and very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating. I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down, that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure and I even thought about running away from the Valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me. I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I’d been rejected but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods in my life. During the next five years I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the world’s first computer-animated feature film, “Toy Story,” and is now the most successful animation studio in the world.

In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT and I returned to Apple and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance, and Lorene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful-tasting medicine but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life’s going to hit you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love, and that is as true for work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work, and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it, and like any great relationship it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking. Don’t settle.

My third story is about death. When I was 17 I read a quote that went something like “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “no” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important thing I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life, because almost everything—all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure—these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctors’ code for “prepare to die.” It means to try and tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next ten years to tell them, in just a few months. It means to make sure that everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope, the doctor started crying, because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and, thankfully, I am fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope it’s the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept. No one wants to die, even people who want to go to Heaven don’t want to die to get there, and yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It’s life’s change agent; it clears out the old to make way for the new. right now, the new is you. But someday, not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it’s quite true. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalogue, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stuart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late Sixties, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and Polaroid cameras. it was sort of like Google in paperback form thirty-five years before Google came along. I was idealistic, overflowing with neat tools and great notions. Stuart and his team put out several issues of the The Whole Earth Catalogue, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-Seventies and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath were the words, “Stay hungry, stay foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. “Stay hungry, stay foolish.” And I have always wished that for myself, and now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you. Stay hungry, stay foolish.

Thank you all, very much.